Our Story – A Journey into the Maze of Sacred Union PART IV

A lifetime of paradoxes.

During the year that followed, we received a lot of guidance, mainly from Rebecca. We traveled all over the world, opening portals at specific locations, Beccy as the catalyst, me as the anchor. We kept revisiting guidance regarding our mission, our purpose, what we were supposedly here to do.

Yet something still wasn’t settling in me. I continued to feel a strong urge t

o push our relationship into being tested.

We visited swingers’ clubs and parties and even met different men on different occasions. Almost every time, we were met with massive resistance. Going to a swingers’ party was never something that just happened spontaneously. We planned it many times, but more often than not something got in the way, we became ill, plans fell apart or circumstances intervened.

One New Year’s Eve, we started chatting with a man and invited him to spend the evening with us at our hotel. We were both nervous and anxious. When he arrived, he was nothing like his pictures or the personality he had presented. As we walked back to our hotel room together, Beccy and I were smiling outwardly but our eyes were screaming at each other: What the fuck is going on!? Why are we doing this?!!

When we reached the room, we spoke almost in unison. We told him this wasn’t right for us and asked him to leave. He did. Afterward, we felt deeply empowered. We had finally honored our “NO” We ended up celebrating the rest of the night. I suppose that experience was meant for us to embrace the power of saying no, with a full heart.

As the story continued, we started drifting further and further apart in the directions we each followed on our spiritual paths. Beccy kept bringing up the idea of sacred union and I kept ignoring her. Not because I wanted to dismiss her, but because something in me felt compelled to do so, something I now understand much more clearly.

We traveled to Asia, exploring different workshops and spiritual schools, always alone, since our son was traveling with us so we could only go one at a time.

At one point, I urged Beccy to go alone to a Full Moon party. I even booked her a room in the town where the party was happening. I’m not entirely sure what I hoped would happen, but I genuinely wanted her to feel alive, free and joyful.

That same summer, she discovered a spiritual festival in Greece (Greece again!). 

I felt an inner certainty that she was meant to go. I took it upon myself to arrange everything: flights, hotel, transport, tickets. She hesitated. It was a large amount of money and she felt uneasy about spending it on herself and being away from me and Noah for so long, about eight days in total. Still, I felt it was right.

When she left for the airport, I told her, “Be free. You have no boundaries.” This has become something of a pattern for me. I also packed condoms in her bag, not as an expectation, but as a way of honoring honesty and freedom if something were to arise.

When she found them, she told me she felt saddened. I was genuinely surprised. I thought she would feel seen and supported by a partner who wished her joy and pleasure without conditions. Later, she told me that it made her feel like I didn’t really take her or us seriously.

The week went on and she came home deeply moved and emotional, grateful for having taken that time for herself. Nothing sexual or energetic happened with anyone else and that had never been the purpose of her journey anyway. 

That journey was about her.

Fast forward to the previous summer. Throughout all this time, I had been persistently pushing her to cross boundaries, to explore taboo spaces, asking if she wanted to date another couple or have an experience with another man. Her answer was always the same: I don’t need or want that.

I want a sacred union with you.

I dismissed it. I told her that sacred union first had to happen within oneself, that it meant integrating masculine and feminine polarity internally before it could be shared with another.

I retreated into my ideas, my “universal truth,” feeling important, convinced I had a mission to spread to the world.

Looking back, I can only say: I must have seemed like an absolute asshole.

Almost every time I initiated these conversations or plans, it led to conflict. She felt unseen. What she doesn’t know is that every time I brought it up, it caused me deep pain as well. I knew how it would affect her and yet the urge in me didn’t stop.

Eventually, during a long and intense conversation about love, sacred union and us, I mentioned almost offhandedly the idea of going to a tantra festival on my own. 

I hadn’t even been that interested in going before; until then, I had only felt drawn to explore tantra with my wife.

That single comment changed everything.

We talked for hours....Somehow, it ended with me going.

Before I left our home, our sanctuary, Beccy told me, “You have no boundaries,” and handed me the same condoms I had once packed for her.

Touché.

At the festival, I felt astonishingly free. I spoke openly. I cried. I allowed myself to feel both my yes and my no. I asked a woman I felt drawn to if she wanted to attend workshops together and we shared a deeply beautiful connection, physical, emotional and respectful. I said yes to another woman who approached me, even though she wasn’t my usual “type.” I felt honored simply to be chosen and we shared a powerful energetic meeting.

When the festival ended and I prepared to return home, the story of sacred union took an unexpected turn.

I met a man at the festival, kind, open-hearted, and loving. We spoke several times and attended workshops together. Nothing more. When we parted ways, he asked if we could stay in touch.

I agreed. It felt natural.

And that is where I thought the story ended.

Or so I believed.